Wow, fuck right off depression

Ok so it’s been awhile, again. I’ve really been battling with my depression and anxiety off and on for the last part of the winter and this early spring. I’m functional in that I go to work, sometimes go out by myself to the movies or to dinner or to a play or two. But most of the time I go to work, work my shift, come home and go to sleep. I don’t eat dinner, I don’t shower, I just take off my clothes once I hit the room to my door, drop them as I cross to my bed and climb back in the messy bed I’d vacated earlier. I’d kind of check my social media but most time I’d fall asleep to the BBC World Service and playing my word search app.

Not a great way to live.

I’d think “I’ll make up for it this weekend.” NOPE. I’d hardly get out of bed, eat or take care of myself and my life. I don’t remember the last time I actually did laundry. In a fit I cleaned my room up a bit and threw all the dirty clothing (the stuff I wear to work) in the basket and drug the basket out to my living room. Fully intended to take it downstairs the next day and wash it. About 3 weeks later MOM finally got sick of looking at it and washed some of it with her stuff. So grown up of me.

So the struggle is daily. I’m still taking my meds and trying to eat healthy but tonight was the first time in 3 weeks that I actually took a full shower. No joke. I know, that’s disgusting. But that’s the reality of depression. You don’t even have the energy to BATHE!

I believe in the spoon theory. A quick backstory for those that don’t know what that is. The spoon theory is that you wake up every day with a limited number of “spoons”. This number is different for everyone based on different factors in your life. Quality and length of sleep, diet, medical conditions etc, all add to or take away your daily number of spoons. Some days I wake up and feel I have an unlimited number of spoons and I never think about them. For about the past 3 or 4 weeks I’ve had a very limited number of spoons to get through my day. Some days I have little to none. One Sunday I had 0 spoons. I slept all day, didn’t eat and only got out of bed to go to the bathroom. That was the worst.

I know people are worried about me. I know my family is worried about me. I think the friends that have noticed are worried about me. I hate having people worried about me.

BUT…

I have some good things coming my way via work just this week.

IT’S PRIDE WEEK at my work. I’m so proud to work somewhere that recognizes the LGBTQ+ community.

Last Wednesday I met with a student who is taking me on via her Intro to Personal Training class. We are going to work together for the next few weeks as trainer and client. She’s going to push me, I’m going to push back and hopefully I will come out on the other end with a new cheerleader. She’s so amazing and friendly and just seemed to GET me. I think it helps that at this point I have no where to go but up so I’m willing to try ANYTHING to get out of this rut. Every week she DOES have a focus thanks to this being a real college class but we’re going to rock this out. We meet again this Wednesday for baseline metrics to follow my progress.

This Friday is my first massage with the new massage therapy students. It’s free, and the teachers are from my normal massage clinic, That’s The Rub so I know the students are going to be well taught. I have an appointment this Friday and again in about a month. In all this will save me $200 and get some training for a student in real life work. It’s all about the students, even just working in the Testing Center like I do.

Saturday Pride week ends with an AMAZING drag show at work that benefits the Ivy Tech Student Emergency Fund (I think that’s right). It’s an all ages show held in the afternoon so the audience will be different but that’s ok! Bringing local drag performers to people who might not be able to come out to The Back Door every weekend.

The IU baseball team is at home this week for some games. They just swept the Northwestern Wildcats this weekend so they’re riding a high.

Plus this paycheck week is an overtime week. So I’m going to treat myself. Shape up my hair (it’s a shaggy mess), get a new pair or two of jeans (the hole in my crotch of my only pair is atrocious) and maybe take myself to a nice dinner somewhere.

I need to get back on track. I have an appointment with m doctor coming up and I hope I can take to him about maybe trying a new depression med (I’m already taking a daily B12 supplement).

It’s one day at a time, some times it’s one hour at a time. When my spoons run out I’m not going to apologize or beat myself up. I want to go to bed at night with few spoons left because I lived that day to the fullest, whatever that means for that day.

Because that’s how I’m going to beat this dragon back down again. It’s reared it’s ugly head for to long it needs to go back in it’s hole for a while. The battles are exhausting, and some I’ve not won, but I will win this war.

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